Tortured Fan Base

Wild Speculations: Definitive Answers to Impossible Questions

2009-03-02T04:13:49Z

With the recent inauguration of Barack Obama, Illinois has the honor of being birthplace to one president (Ronald Reagan) and primary residence to three others who earned their political chops within our borders (Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses Grant, Obama). This is a remarkable honor, and yet I am transfixed by one detail, one fact, one smug reality. On January 20th, 2009 the United States of America inaugurated the first black president in the +230 year history of this nation, and even more improbable, the first White Sox fan. The odds that a White Sox fan would be president are so infinitesimally small that it is quite literally incomprehensible. The odds are not quite zero, but as they say in calculus, it is a number approaching zero. Don’t believe me? Just try these numbers on for size: • There can’t be more than 4 million actual Sox fans and that’s probably a high estimate • 40% of Sox fans are under 35 and not yet eligible to run for US president • 15% of Sox fans are foreign born and not eligible to be US president • 98% of Sox fans have the communication skills of a Streets and San foreman (sentences littered with grunts, snorts, creative curse words and semi-logical points punctuated with specks of spit arcing wildly in multiple directions. (Think Mayor Daley at any news conference)) • Of the remaining Sox Fans, approximately 0% have an outlook on life that is positive and attractive enough for a broad majority of Americans to willfully choose him (or her) as a national leader It is not just audacious, it defies all reason. It’s more improbable than Charlie Bucket getting the golden ticket in Willie Wonka & The Chocolate Factory with just two Wonka bar purchases! Nonetheless, the most current president of the United States is a White Sox fan, this is indisputable. But what is very, very, very disputable is the question of another local president and his MLB allegiance. Yes, I am going to explore the issue of which baseball team Abraham Lincoln would have rooted for regardless of the fact that baseball did not even have codified rules or a professional league until a good 10-15 years after his tragic death. The question, as posed, is which team Abraham Lincoln would root for if he was resurrected (Jesus style) and lived among us in these modern times. Assuming he would stick to his geographic roots and live in central Illinois, the teams in the running would be the Cardinals, Sox and Cubs. St. Louis Cardinals, case for: Springfield is nominally Card country, it’s less than a 2 hour drive to St. Louis and the dusty farmer scene of Springfield jibes more with the dirty river town lifestyle in St. Louis. Case against: I can’t for the life of me figure out what, if anything, the Cardinals stand for. Being bland, boring and overweight? Politely applauding Tony La Russa as he over-manages another game? Deriving your entire self worth from your proximity to Albert Pujols' hitting prowess? Being a Cardinals fan isn’t something you consciously choose, it’s like hereditary heart disease you’re just born with it. Plus Missouri was a slave state back in Abe’s day and Stephen Douglas carried the state in the 1860 election. Chicago White Sox, case for: • Abe is known to wear a black hat on occasion • He’s also said to have been a bit moody Case against: Intelligent, articulate and thoughtful people do not gravitate toward the ball club at 35th and Shields. Abe Lincoln presided over the bloodiest war in American history, but at heart he was a man of peace, Sox fans at heart are brawlers prone to fits of mindless violence. Chicago Cubs, case for: 1. Log Cabin = Wrigley Field Rustic charm has universal appeal despite lack of modern comforts, equally primitive toilet system 2. Boys in Blue = Chicago Cubs = Union Soldiers The color blue resonates deeply with Lincoln as that was the color of the uniforms the Union soldiers wore 3. General Ulysses S Grant = Lou Pinella This is self-evident. Both are born leaders blessed with innate strategic brilliance despite obvious shortcomings in other areas of their lives. TFB goes so far as to say that this year’s Cubs season will be analogous to Grants battle of Shiloh; surprising, violent, huge casualties, yet ultimately victorious. 4. But most seriously Lincoln did not live the coddled life of privilege; his mother died when he was nine of “milk sickness” (whatever that is/was), his dear older sister Sarah died about a decade later while giving birth, his first love died of typhoid fever, his second engagement turned him down flat (ouch!), when he finally found a willing partner in Mary Todd three of their four sons died before making it out of their teens. Even his successes had depressing results in that his very election to the office of President precipitated nearly half of the nation to secede before he was even sworn in and almost immediately called to lead the nation out of the “bloodiest war” in US history. Lincoln was a man who knew pain and loss intimately. A man who allegedly suffered from clinical depression for most of his adult life, yet was able to get out of bed each and every morning and face the day with a new sense of hope and belief against all odds that this new day will be better than the previous. The Cubs legacy of heart break and sorrow is trivial compared to the troubles Abraham routinely encountered throughout his life. But if there is any team with a history and a culture that Lincoln would appreciate and identify with, and a fan base so tortured yet blissfully resilient, the Cubs are the one. -Aside #1: Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and his Baseball sympathies are conveniently ignored in this post because the whole issue is entirely too depressing but again necessitates the Abraham Lincoln as Cubs fan argument. -Aside #2: While researching presidents for this post I found out that Richard Nixon was a Quaker. This really challenges my preconceptions of what Quakers are all about but on another note it raises the delicious possibility of coming across a box of Quaker Oats with Nixon’s ugly mug on the front.

Out with the old, in with the Nucleus

2009-01-26T20:31:25Z

Last week a flock of flying monkeys swirled up from the charred brick dungeon deep below the Tribune Tower. The menacing screech of these avian-primates sending word that the dark lord Sam Zell is one step closer to releasing our beloved franchise from his cold bony hands. This is good news for 2 reasons: 1. The Cubs have been in ownership limbo for long enough. Everything has been in stand still mode since the Tribune buyout. Could you imagine if Lou decided he had enough of Soriano’s disappearing-reappearing bat and decided to quit? What top flight manager could the Cubs attract with such an unstable situation? 2. The Cubs were never going to win the World Series with Sam Zell as owner. Powerful forces were at work ensuring any Cubs title hopes would be thwarted. It is widely understood that any drought breaking championship win by the North sider's would instantly ensure everybody even loosely associated with the club, from the owner down to the bathroom attendant, a place in Cub’s lore. Their own float in the parade and another line in their obituary. They would be remembered forever. But, the exact minute the Cub’s get that final out, the owners place in history set, the resale value of the franchise drops a couple hundred million! Think about it. It’s not just the Cubs that are for sale, it’s not just Wrigley Field that is being sold, and not just 25% of Comcast sports net. What’s also being sold is the opportunity to have your name toasted in bars all over the world, to be famous, to be revered, to be immortalized. $700 million for the Cubs and Wrigley, $200 million to live forever. You might not have realized the premium placed on this potential honor, but you can be sure anyone with a vested interest in getting the Cubs sold for the highest price realized this. The top of that list has Sam Zell’s name on it in big John Hancock size print. Just below is Bud Selig’s name, and below that every other owner of a Major League Baseball team. (If the Cubs house goes for 900 million, all the other houses in MLB village are looking more expensive.) The people on that list are rich and more than capable of ensuring that they get richer. So a sale to just about anyone at all would be great news. I don’t know much about Mr. Tom Ricketts and his fantastically rich family, except that they share a surname with a vitamin-D deficiency that is the scourge of many developing countries. As long as none of them are directly responsible for the creation and perpetuation of the disease then I think they’ll be fine owners.

Zambrano's No Hitter: An Eyewitness Account

2008-09-15T07:54:07Z

The Prelude

On Saturday night at approximately 9:21pm I received the news from frantic Cubs Fan #43 that hurricane Ike had relocated the Cubs vs Houston game to Miller Park.

"Cubs are playing tomorrow night and Monday in Milwaukee. Road Trip?" The only valid response to this question: "Yes"

This prompted me to send a bunch of messages to round up the gang, rally the troops, get the band back together etc.... The silence was deafening. Apparently the rain and the recent slide had taken its toll on my circle of Cubs Fans. They will be referred to only as the Idiots from now on. After performing various spiritual rituals, escaping the teary eyes of my lovely Cubs widow, and dodging biblical floods on the streets of Chicago I arrived at the condominium village on the northwest side of Chicago (this place belongs in a suburb) to begin our epic journey. Agent 43 and his trusty Cubs sidekick, Lisa, began our harrowing trip to the land of cheese in our heavily armored limo. Traffic was avoided, GPS systems enabled, smoke screens deployed, and special defensive driving allowed us to pass unholy numbers of fellow Cubs vagabonds. Lisa can haul ass- God bless her. We arrived and paid Bernie the Brewer for parking. With 30 minutes to spare we dashed quickly through a couple pregame warm ups and collected our tickets. I noticed a strange collections of baseball fans at will call - Cubs fans mixed with Brewers fans, and most curiously some idiot wearing a White Sox jersey he apparently stitched himself from used underwear. There is a good chance that no one will ever love this misguided southsider.

Act I: The Scoring

I'd never been to the Brewery and as we were escorted to our luxury right field bleacher seats I took in as much of the stadium as possible. We arrived as the Anthem was playing and before the lineups were announced. During the first at-bat Fonzie smashes a towering blast that was going to hit the roof. I was concerned about Miller Park ground rules and probably had enough time to look them up before the ball finally landed in the left-field bleachers. The crowd, after the long commute, erupts. A cute little 4 year old girl behind us in a little pink Cubs jersey freaked out and was insanely happy. That was fun. If the game ended here and we had to go home, it would have been worth it. The Cubbies go down quietly after that, time for the Astros at bat. Zambrano starts dealing and he hits 96 and 98 with his fastball. I look to #43 and we agree the gun must be hot.. no way is Z firing like that. It is obvious this isn't the measured Z we have seen all year who has been taking his sweet time getting warmed up and slowly reaching his peak around the 3rd or 4th inning. This doesn't look like inning management. He retired the side to some big cheers. I am positive the radar gun is broken. *We are 500 feet away and Soto's mitt is popping like we are calling balls and strikes. I bet Soto has to get the day off tomorrow to get the swelling down. We are pretty easily distracted:

"No big deal- where's the count in here anyway- oh neat there is a pitch count over there, that's the slide where Bernie slides down, hey next Cubbie homerun lets siege the slide.. ha ha"

3 up, 3 down for the Cubbies and the Astros. An unlikely single next inning from Cedeno, then another single from Z puts runners on first and second. Fonzie hits another moon shot that doesn't leave the infield this time and then TheRiot pops out.

"Oh crap- we can't get the number 8 and 9 hitters on and not score this inning- and here comes D.Lee" Agent 43 mentions that D.Lee has x home runs and all of them are solo homers and he is so unclutch they should move him to number 13 in the batting order, blah blah blah. In my prescient but measured way I mention he could make up for that right now. Boom: 2 Run Double!

The floodgates open with a couple more hits from Ramirez and Soto and after walking DeRo Randy Wolf gets the hook. 4 runs... we congratulate ourselves.

Act II: The Canoe of Cheesecurds

After that long inning, I'm a few beers in and a long car ride from Chicago in need of a bathroom. There is no trough in here... I'm confused and a little scared to be in such a small bathroom. The bathrooms at Wrigley are made for the thousands. I'm pretty sure my bathroom at home is bigger than this Miller Park fiasco. Might as well grab a brat and some beer while I'm up. For some reason they are playing the Brewers-Phillies game on TV. This is confusing - I glance over my shoulder and notice a man on base, then I hear a double play go down, cheer, and return to the long line. Fried Cheese Curds in a little paper canoe, a brat, and a beer. The little paper canoe makes me happy and I trot back to the loyal team. Lisa is out on reconnaissance but Agent 43 is holding the seats.

Cheesecurd Fonseca: "Hey- who got the hit" 43: "Shut up dumbass- that's an error on the scoreboard" Cheesecurd: "Erase that comment from your memory completely- I never said that- understand?"

I'm not even going to recount the Cubbie offense from here on, there might have been a hit somewhere but no one cared. Defensively I am sure every Cub on the field was scared for their life. Think about it, if you screwed up on a normal day, Z might devour your children ala Iron Mike. Today, he would slay your entire family Kaiser Soze style, but with more panache and ferocity. It is the 5th and soon after the cheesecurd enabled conversation, Carlos fires some inside heat and barely misses Hunter Pence- the blood thirsty crowd calls out to really nail him next time. Z complies and plunks him in the back. (I admit I was the only one who wanted Hunter to get hit, but I was only kidding) The next batter senses weakness and hits a rope. Quantum physicists are at a loss to explain how this happened, but D.Lee puts a patented leaping stab on this ball that goes over any normally proportioned first baseman's head. It's the 6th Inning and the Astros call in their 12th no-name pitcher of the night. It doesn't matter, every Cub in the lineup is scared shitless that they are going to screw up in the field or look cross-eyed at Z in the dugout. The crowd is slowly starting to figure this out. Lisa says something to 43 about there "not being much offense from the Astros". There is almost a tragic end to this fairy tale romance. Luckily Lisa brought back 2 beers from her latest Bernie-Slide Recon mission. (Her suggested route involves a trapeze and a zip line... note: bring zipline next time)

Act III: Internal Conflict

It's the 7th, at this point I start to worry about Big Z's arm. we thought he needed an MRI only last week! He is still only around 85 pitches but I know he will do anything to make this no-no happen.

"He could kill himself out there"

Part of me almost wishes for a hit so we can relax and put Z on ice. That part of me is obviously defective and will soon be surgically removed regardless of cost. By the 8th, the text messages and voicemails start piling up on the phones, the excitement is building and all of a sudden an Astro bat cracks a shot tailing towards the right field corner. A strange feeling of dread mixed with relief hits me... then out of nowhere a streaking DeRosa finds an angle on the ball and barely snares it sno-cone style. It might look like an easy catch on the replays and it was easier than the D.Lee leaper earlier, but there was so much riding on that catch. Oh man the crowd is going nuts at this point- this guy next to me almost breaks my hand on a high-five, another grown man is obviously hyperventilating and most everyone around us has completely lost their mind. The next batter pops one up in foul territory- It's DLee, Carlos and Soto heading towards each other in slow motion- all sorts of horrible collisions go through my tortured mind until Z waves his arms maniacally and scares every living human on the field away from the ball. I saw the 1st base coach flinch along with the entire section behind the dugout. That was funny- I can't wait to see it on ESPN Classic. At this point Z might be tiring- he has a small battle but collects another K and storms to the dugout.

Act IV: The Final Inning

We all look at each other in disbelief- there is a sort of strange silence before the Cubs come up to bat in the top of the 9th, not a murmer... I think everyone has something like this in their heads:

"Is this real? am I dreaming, is this what heaven looks like? did I just eat a whole canoe full of fried cheesecurds? Is this really just a brain embolism"

The first two batter hit tough choppers to TheRiot who gobbles them up. Pretty quickly we are facing the potential 3rd out... What was already a boisterous, loud, and excited crowd has reached asylum bedlam levels. Flashbulbs are going off all over the stadium- adults with jobs and responsibilities are jumping up and down slamming their palms on the seats like self flagellating holy pilgrims. I still can't believe it- Z threw a wicked breaking ball on the outside that had no chance of touching a bat and IT happened. To say we all felt chills is not sufficient- we all felt a sub-absolute-zero-3rd-degree-simultaneous-climax. People were crying, singing, most of all cheering and screaming. I grabbed a stranger and shook the living crap outta him. A couple fools with no respect for the moment ran for the aisles to beat traffic. The story doesn't end here, but I can't read what I am typing anymore. To be continued....

James Patrick “Jim” Edmonds 15 OF

2008-08-08T13:34:03Z

The life of James Patrick “Jim” Edmonds as a time line with special reference to the Cub-Card thing. June 27, 1970 Jimmy James Patrick Edwards is born June 27, 1970 Infant Jimmy James is loved and adored by all July 14, 1974 Four year old Jimmy James’ brain develops to the point he can retain memories and conscious thought July 15, 1974 Jimmy James thinks very highly of himself June 22, 1978 Jimmy James excels in his little league baseball games June 23, 1978 Jimmy James’ opinion of himself swells to staggering levels April 12, 1981 6th grade Jimmy James asks an 8th grader at his elementary school to high school prom unconcerned with the fact that one of them should at least be attending high school for this request to be taken seriously April 12, 1981 6th grad Jim Edmonds is very sure of himself April 12, 1981 Stacy, the 8th grade girl in question is bewildered and frightened by 6th grade Jimmy and his cocksure aggressiveness, smiles tentatively, presses her trapper keeper against her chest and walks swiftly to the safety of her table of squawking girl friends April 12, 1981 6th grade Jimmy James briefly doubts himself April 12, 1981 Jimmy starts a rumor that 8th grade Stacy is a “full on Lesbian!” April 12, 1981 The rumor spreads successfully April 13, 1981 Jimmy is vindicated June 1998 Jimmy James continues to excel at baseball and gets drafted by the California Angels July 5, 1998 Jimmy James Edwards asks everyone to stop calling him Jimmy because he is a g’damm grown man, a professional ball player and quite the catch, not that he would let any one girl ‘catch’ him for than a one night March 27, 2000 Jim Edmonds gets traded to the St Louis Cardinals 2000 – 2007 Jim has a successful 8 year stint with the Cards and Tony La Russa who becomes ‘like a Father’ to him December 15, 2007 Jim Edmonds is traded to the San Diego Padres and away from his ‘like a Father,’ Tony La Russa March 1, 2008 Jim changes his batting stance to compensate for some injuries and his advancing age March 2, 2008 Jim still thinks very highly of himself Spring 2008 Without his ‘like a Father’ figure he is lost and out of place. His hitting suffers. Jim still thinks very highly of himself and you can be sure he’s still a hit with the ladies. But a little of that doubt from 6th grade resurfaces May 9, 2008 Jim is released from the Padres and gets placed on waivers May 14, 2008 The Cubs sign Jim Edmonds, hoping he has a little magic still left in that left handed bat May 15, 2008 Jim fins a new ‘like a Father’ figure in sweet Lou Piniella May 15, 2008 Lou asks him why the hell he doesn’t use the batting stance he used when he was a cardinal and hitting the ball all over the damn place. Huh? What was wrong with that batting stance? May 16, 2008 Jim wants to please his new ‘like a Father’ very much so he decides to change his batting stance May 16, 2008 Jim feels whole again June, 2008 Jim starts hitting the ball all over the damn place June, 2008 Jim is constantly being badgered by the Chicago media force regarding his status as a true Cub vs. a true Cardinal July 4, 2008 This badgering comes to a tumult as the cubs travel to St Louis for his first return to that town on the Mississippi July 4, 2008 Jim feels safe in the capable hands of his new ‘like a Father’ figure Lou and has been having a blast plying the more impressive waters of the Cubs female fan base, so he tells the media hordes before a nationally televised game that “he was a Cardinal, but now he is a Cub, so lets all just move on.” July 4, 2008 This statement makes Tony La Russa cry July 5, 2008 A visibly hurt and watery eyed Tony responds by saying “you are dead to me Jim,’ but not in the pointedly angry yet cool manner of Michael Corleone and more like whiney brat who didn’t want to see his former ‘like a son’ succeed for a division rival. July 5, 2008 Jim responds by starting a rumor that Tony La Russa is a ‘full on Lesbian’ July 6, 2008 This rumor goes nowhere July 7, 2008 Jim still feels vindicated [And this exchange (most importantly making Tony La Russa cry) puts him as close to being a true Cub as any player who helped bring a championship ring to the dim witted masses of St Louis could ever be.]

The Wrigley Storm

2008-08-05T06:10:39Z

Cubs vs Astros Wrigley Field 8/4/08 Mother nature takes over Wrigley for 70's night.
Wrigley Storm Part 2 See the entire set of Wrigley Storm Videos here.

Harden vs C.C

2008-07-28T19:14:34Z

You have to admit, if they were shooting American League pitchers out of one of those t-shirt cannons and you ended up with Harden and the guy next to you got Sabathia, you’d be jealous. C.C is not just a good pitcher, he’s an icon. Something of a cross between Fernando Valenzuela, Flavor Flav and Abraham Lincoln. The proof: • C.C has his own web site (No web site for Soriano, Theriot, Lee, Ramirez, Wood (his charity Bowling tournament has a site but that doesn’t count), or Zambrano (most surprising). (Samardzija does have a web site which I suppose puts him on “Icon” track.) • C.C called a press conference to change the spelling of his first name to CC, removing those pesky periods. This is serious Prince, P Diddy, Madonna territory here! Red flag, upper echelon, high grade ICON. (Note: I anticipate that in the next 1 to 2 years he’ll change it again to C.C (pronounced “C point C”) and I’m just trying to stay ahead of the curve.) • With his slanted cap and massive figure, when C.C is on the mound you don’t have to check the back of his jersey to know it. It’s unfair to put Harden on a pedestal next to C.C but when you have division rivals entering the second half of a pennant race each picking up a big name starting pitcher within two days of each other comparisons are going to be made. Harden doesn’t really stack up but he’s no slouch either. While lacking the recognize-ability and mound presence of C.C, when Rich needs a strikeout he’s manages to fire a few bullet train butter flies towards the plate and 9 times out of 10 the ump is pointing a dizzy and discombobulated batter back to his dugout. Steve Trachsel he is not. Still, the beer makers got an Ace, we got a #2. On top of that C.C can go the distance where Harden is unlikely to go past the seventh inning the rest of this season. This makes a huge difference for the rapidly imploding Cubs Bullpen. So does C.C tip the balance in the NL Central enough for the Miller Lites to regain the magic of the Paul Molitor/Robin Yount era of the early 80’s? Anybody 6’7” 290 lbs is bound to tip the balance in some direction, and that is exactly the point. C.C is a big dude. C.C probably displaces a lot of water in the bath tub. In grade school you might have called him big boned’d but that’s not what you really meant. To put it another way and quote Homer Simpson, “The only guys who wear Hawaiian shirts are gay guys and big fat party animals.” If C.C was wearing a Hawaiian shirt you wouldn’t have to guess which category he would fall under. C.C might be able to muscle through all that excess baggage for now but nobody has ever spent any decent length of time in Wisconsin and lost weight. I can already imagine the mayhem of C.C and Prince Fielder fighting over cheese curds and sausages at the pre-game buffet. He’s a dozen butter burgers away from entering Bartolo Colon/Wilson Alvarez territory and that does not bode well for a late season burst from C.C and the Bernie’s. So if C.C blazes through the Cubs lineup this evening and you’re feeling a little down just imagine an even bigger boned’d C.C laboriously waddling toward the mound in September struggling to fit into his XXXXL jersey launching 55 ft balls towards the general vicinity of home plate. Advantage Cubs.

Celebrate the Sweep!!!!

2008-06-23T06:21:52Z

In honor of the Crosstown Classic Sweep TFB has created the limited edition Series Sweepin Zone Shirts: Buy these shirts here while supplies last!

An Open Letter to the Chicago Tribune

2008-03-25T21:16:29Z

I am a proud American and to paraphrase Homer Simpson- I like my beer cold and my sportswriters biased. It was not that long ago that the great Mike Royko graced the inside of the Tribune's front page and provided us with a daily tidbit of insight into our world as Chicagoans. Royko popularized the famous Ex-Cub factor, at one point worked at Wrigley, loved the Cubs, and most importantly felt our pain. The great sportswriters of the Tribune managed to find ways to find the silver lining in the worst Cubbie seasons. There were occasional howls of dissent from the sports section but they mostly fell in line as you would expect when a good hearted editor swooped in and corrected their opinions. When the Tribune writes a front page story with a misleading headline about a Democratic politician it is totally in line with their tradition as a republican mouth-piece. However, when they start allowing their silly sportswriters to bash Cubs fans and desecrate our Wrigley Field this has gone too far. As an ordained Cubs Adorer Concerned About the Future of the Franchise (CACAFF) I hereby cast out the Tribune from our ilk. Concerned sportswriters may apply for re-admittance to the CACAFF after showing sufficient humility and love for the Cubs (even if forced against their will like the good old days). You are no longer the trusted friend who would bring us the Cubs, Steve Stone, Harry Carey, and Disney Afternoon through your benevolent superstation. With the impending breakup of the Tribune Empire into so many shards there is extreme danger in our midst. As the Empire of the Tribune Tower is crumbling before our eyes we see the minions begin to sense a power void. I can only imagine the chaos at the Tower...the copywriters are feasting on Medill intern remains while the editors divide their soon to be worthless fiefdoms amongst the now powerless writers. Will Wrigley be ruined? Will the Cubs win the _orld _eries? Will the north side be forever altered by the Dark Lord of Sam Zell and some equally scary Illinois State Agency? Most importantly where will we turn for good old fashioned pro-Cubs sports writing?

They Call Him (The Big) Z

2008-02-27T07:16:39Z

A lot of words come to mind when the name Carlos Zambrano is mentioned, aggressive, combustible, exuberant, moody, untamed, but literate has never been one of them. Until now. You might have missed it but sometime last October Chicago’s Pilsen Neighborhood closed down some streets and celebrated “Carlos Zambrano Day” in honor of his biography, titled “The Big Z. The Carlos Zambrano Story” This was too juicy to resist. The enigmatic long misunderstood Zambrano was going to allow us, the reader, inside his mad world. Carlos would take us someplace special, mysteries would be revealed, universal truths exposed and love, happiness and inter-planetary peace would abound. Carlos would set us free! I had high expectations. The opening line did not let me down: “The life of Carlos Zambrano is that of an eagle that flies in the middle of a storm and, facing opposing winds, ascends powerfully until it reaches the top of the mountains” Synopsis: Carlos was born and raised in Venezuela His family was very poor He has a brother named Yormis He was not good at baseball and nobody thought he was a good athlete Carlos became a pretty good pitcher Carlos went running a lot and would work on his pitching Carlos got signed by the Cubs Carlos was nervous about leaving his family Carlos signed a massive, massive contract Carlos and his family are not poor anymore We are all God’s children The End (Bible quotes and praise for God heavily interspersed throughout) Aside from the fact that this book is a thinly veiled piece of religious propaganda, there are some choice quotes that make the overall reading selectively enjoyable. Kind of like the bacon and liver dish my Mom would whip up back in the day, just enough bacon and sauce to make the liver tolerable. Of course she never charged me $15 for the privilege. With that being said, TFB is tossing the liver aside and offering you all bacon and sauce, Dinner's up!

Carlos Biography Quotes:

“When I threw about 50 balls at him and he did not even hit so much as a foul, I realized that he did not have natural skill” Carlos’s first baseball coach on his initial impressions of pre-teen Z “One time all the children got together and made a sign on his bedroom door that read: “The Captain.” When the Father saw it he got very angry.” Carlos’ brother Victor on his Father’s strictness “I would see her and say things like ‘There is that chubby girl coming this way.’ Anything. But people would make jokes and bug me, even the leader of the brigade made fun of me about it, and I would respond, ‘Don’t joke about me and that girl because she is very ugly.” “We started talking and kissed on the cheek and we left there as boyfriend and girlfriend. Six months later we kissed on the lips for the first time.” Carlos recalling his courtship of his wife Ismari: “I am going to honestly tell you the key: the first one is God.” “That I would be signed before that “lunatic” because he didn’t play baseball. Even worse, there was a rumor going around that, once he was signed and the Americans actually saw him, they ripped up the contract in his face because they thought he was crazy.” Zambrano’s trainer in Venezuela Julio Figueroa, on comments he received when working with Carlos “I often talk to myself, and I remembered saying, ’Carlos Zambrano, here you are, and all you have left to do is ride this horse.” Carlos recalling his thoughts before his first Major league game “That was also something that God did…” Carlos on his proficiency in English I was so excited and I screamed. Can you imagine? I had subdued “the biggest one.” I then made some emotional gestures, not to him, but to myself-gestures showing the excitement of having subdued a big man in baseball. I thought, ‘Wow, how could I have subdued Barry Bonds?” Carlos, on his emotional outburst following his getting Barry Bonds to ground out back in 2002

The Goose and The Hawk

2008-01-09T05:35:11Z

Congrats to Goose Gossage on his induction. The Goose's only year worth discussing is actually 1988. The Goose was part of a Cubs team on the brink; or rather between NL East Championships in 1984 and 1989. It was the first season I can vividly remember every Cubs player on the roster (well OK, Rick Wrona rings a bell but I can't quite picture him), It was the the debut of the Dunston-to-Sandburg-to-Grace combo, Berryhill took over for Jody Davis, Greg Maddux and Jamie Moyer suddenly broke out, Sutcliffe pitched 12 Complete Games but only won 13. It was the year of Vance Law, Popeye came to town, Raffi was still clean and most importantly: the Hawk settled in to roam the right field grass after his MVP year. The Goose was mostly a bust in 1988, but we won't dwell on it. Now that we are finally leaving the Steroid Era, I can look back at these memories with more appreciation for the Hawk. It looks like he is steadily gaining enough votes to make it into the HOF, thanks in part to the ridiculous excesses of Sammy, Barry, and McGuire his accomplishments and career can now be properly recognized. Grace Image via MarkGrace.com

Fukudome rhymes with "Andre"

2007-12-12T18:13:38Z

Ladies and gentlemen we finally have the legendary Fukudome (Foo-koo-doe-may) under contract to play Right Field according to ESPN last night and the Cubs made it official this morning! There are good things being said:

"Plays like Ichiro in the field"
"On-Base-Machine"
"Power to the Gaps"
"Best Japanese player in Japan"

And some unfounded rumors:

Had surgery
Eats raw fish
Last name is Emodukuf spelled backwards
Is really a Japanese guy (?!)

TFB thinks this move will really help the club, we scored an exclusive interview with Lou Pinella to hear his thoughts:

TFB: Hi Lou! Lou: What the F*ck do you want at 4am? TFB: It's 2 in the afternoon Lou. Lou: (mumbling...) Look lets not gloom and doom this thing guys... TFB: It's over Lou, the playoffs are over, we are calling about Fukudome. Lou: Hey listen- I don't need this crap- good bye! TFB: No! Don't hang up.. He is the new addition to the Cubby line-up from Japan. Lou: (mumbling...) I really thought we needed Carlos for game 4. TFB: Lou- it's OK, forget the 2007 NLDS. We want to know about the Japanese guy Hendry has been writing love letters to- he used to play for the Chunichi Dragons over there. Lou: (suddenly alert) Now that you mention it I am pretty hungry. TFB: Thanks for the chat Lou! See you at Spring Training. Lou: What about that Chunichi I ordered? Let me have some Won-Tons and maybe some fried rice with that.

5 Reasons to Wait Till Next Year

2007-10-10T16:49:21Z

Well ladies and gents - We will be assigning blame to the appropriate scape goats shortly, but for now lets take our mind off the latest swift decomposition of our Cubbies. Here are the Top 5 things to look forward to Next Year: 5) Seasoned Lou I am not sure how much tastier he could get. Chances are he will have forgotten everyones names by Spring Training but the point is he will have a solid base and will probably figure most of them out by May. 4) ARod (maybe?) Thank you baseball gods and ESPN for reminding Steinbrenner that he is an impulsive and totally insane man just like when he was young. ARod = Reggie Jackson and hopefully the only man ARod ever loved (Pinella) can convince the future all time HR champ to come to Chicago. ARod might not have the best reputation as a clutch performer but he would absolutely feast on the sub par NL central pitching. And if he doesn't come through in the playoffs, judging from this years Cubs playoff bats, he'll have plenty of company. 3) Mark Cuban (maybe?) He said he was going to make a run at the Cubs, he has deep enough pockets to outbid most anyone else, he likes sitting in the Bleachers, and he has turned other sports teams into championship contenders. The tantalizing thought of Zambrano, Pinella and Cuban bringing their unique forms of energetic psychosis to the same ball club brings a silly grin to my face and probably keeps Bud Selig up at night. Bud will probably go out of his way to squash it, but when he does he will have the Tortured Fan Base to deal with. 2) Triple digits! Look for Willard Scott to congratulate the Cubs World Series drought on making it to the century mark. What an achievement. 1) Blue skies, green ivy, girls roaming the stands in tank tops, Old Style in wax cups and another season of hope. Its not easy being a Cubs fan, but it sure can be fun

Chicago Cubs Playoff Baseball!

2007-10-03T07:25:57Z

It’s been a great regular season. We started the season with eight weeks of abysmal to mediocre baseball (good for lowering expectations) with a dugout dust up timed to be the perfect prelude to a rest of the season run of sound pitching (rare), solid defense (very rare), and outstanding bullpen work (unheard of). No matter what transpires during the playoffs this has been a rewarding season. But we’re looking for more. Nobody wants to jinx it, yet we’re all wondering, how far can the Cubs go? Is this the year?

Prospects for victory:

ESPN’s panel of experts predict the Cubs will prevail over the Diamondbacks, eight experts to two.

Bad Experts aren’t always wrong, but when they come together to agree on something like this it smells trouble

Vegas has the Cubs favored to get to the world series

Bad. Cubs fans aren’t known to hedge their bets, we like to put our money where are heart is, to vest ourselves emotionally and financially. Heavy betting from our large fan base skews the line. A skewed line doesn’t bother me but if the Cubs have to beat the Diamondbacks, Phillies/Rockies AND Vegas to get to the World Series, that worries me because Vegas doesn’t like to lose.

The Cubs finished up the season hot, aside from a late season stumble in Florida the Cubs have been on a torrid pace since late June.

Even. We’re not playing the Reds anymore.

We’re Due!

Bad. We’re past due; it's never made a difference before.

Lou Pinella

Good!

He’s been simply masterful in every respect. I’ve never seen a coach handle all the disparate aspects of the jobs with such skill. The entertainment value would have been worth it even if the Cubs didn’t win the division. The befuddled, slightly sleepy look on his face when a relief pitcher comes into a game and walks the first two batters he faces; the jog/walk out to the field to argue a close play followed by tempered dialog:

Lou: ‘I thought he was safe’ Ump: ‘Nope, he was out’ Lou: ‘oh, well oh, you’re sure about that?’ Ump: ‘Positive, anything else?’ Lou: ‘Nah I’m good, just going to catch my breath for a second here’ Ump: ‘We’re trying to play a game’ Lou: ‘I’m leaving. You’ll give us the next one right?’

That and every Carlos Zambrano interview always get me laughing. Entertainment value aside this Cubs team has a decent chance at making some noise in the playoffs, and if they don’t it won’t be because Sweet Lou plays his cards wrong.

Carlos Marmol

Good!

Marmol has been the MVP of the Cubs so far. No doubt about it. Since he established himself as an integral part of the Cubs bullpen in early June the Cubs started winning all those one run games we were losing the first two months of the season. He pitches two innings most outings and can pitch back to back games, “I can pitch every day, I never get tired.” (!!) He’s our version of Mariano Rivera (late 90’s model.) Appreciate this man, recognize his greatness, love him!

Ghosts of October Past

Let's investigate….

We already got pasted by the Marlins in some key games, lucky for us we’re still standing. Good bye failures of 2003.
The New York Mets had an epic late season collapse that put a fork in their playoff hopes. I wasn’t around in ’69 but I’d be willing to bet my bottom dollar that Ron Santo had a private chuckle when their September fade was final. Good bye failures of ‘69
The Padres lost an exciting game 163 to the mountain people when their ‘lights out’ closer (Trevor Hoffman) blew his second game in 3 days. Bye bye memories of Steve Garvey, bye bye failures of ’84
The Detroit Tigers could never recover from the devastating loss of Neifi Perez for the season (due to his need for speed), steadily losing ground to the Indians before finishing a full 6 games out of the wild card spot. Detroit beat the Cubs last time they made the series in 1945, they also have the distinction of being the only team to lose a world series to the Cubs , twice (1907, ’08), so I’m not sure if this means anything
The Cubs have also lost some pre WWII series to the Yankees, A’s (in Philadelphia then), Red and White Sox. But that's all pretty much off the radar for most Cubs fans and for the Octogenarians who were around back then, they’ve probably witnessed enough tragedy and heart ache to know that getting swept by the Yankees in 1932 doesn’t make too much difference now.

Prospects:Good!

Cubs Karma

2007-09-27T05:53:45Z

Don’t relax. Don’t ease off a bit. Don’t rest on your laurels. Don’t start looking forward to the playoffs. Don’t take anything for granted. Take deep breathes. Focus your energy and perform within yourself. We are in a pennant race and its going to take your best effort to pull this one out.

This advice is not directed at the Cubs players, coaches or management. This is for you, the fan.

You matter. Yes, you. Your actions, your knowledge, your thoughts, and your beliefs all have a direct effect on the Chicago Cubs and their chances of getting into the playoffs and yes, winning a World Series. It’s called Cubs Karma. Don’t beat yourself up about the little drought we’ve had between championships, there’s a lot about Cubs Karma that we don’t know. This is what we do know: Cubs Karma is not a religious belief system, hypothetical theorem or ultra slick lounge bar on Clark Street. Cubs Karma is a barely visible, hyper-kinetic mass that hovers over most of the continental United States. Cubs Karma is sort of like the Ozone layer but more important. Cubs Karma comes in two forms, positive and negative. Positive karma reduces the number of years until the Cubs win a World Series, negative increase the number of years until we raise a championship banner on the north side. Only Cub Fans can add or detract to the sum total of Cubs Karma, here are the details of how your actions effect Cubs Karma.

Negative Karma:

Letting an opposing fan go un-heckled
Complaining about the cold
Ordering a margarita
Booing the Cubs, unless obviously deserved
Doing the Wave
Thunder sticks, stay away from thunder sticks
Suggesting that you care about the team on the south side
Reading or writing articles by John Kass or other Cubs hating journalists that are really just upset that their newspaper company won't exist soon.
Rally Monkeys
Drinking the blood of new born Eskimo's when it’s not a full moon

Positive Karma

Always take Cubs tickets when offered
Always get a few extra beers at last call
Don't leave the game early
Explain to opposing players the numerous reasons why they should not reproduce
Heckling the opposing team with timely humor
Don't go home after a game until you've visited at least 3 bars
Sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ at the appropriate time
Always know the inning/score; know the count more that 50% of the time
Always give caught foul balls to kids sitting near you
Always be able to name at least 2 random Cubs from the 80's and 90's (see: Frank DiPino and Derrick May)
Rally Hats

Go forth and make the best of your opportunity to bring unshackled joy and raw jubilation to our tortured fan base. (Just kidding about the Eskimo blood, drink up whenever you need that extra boost, regardless of lunar phase)

Sean Gallagher 36 Pitcher

2007-08-24T06:27:04Z

Never seen the guy pitch but he’s got the name of some south side guy who drinks like most people breathe and doesn’t consider it a good night out unless he got into multiple fights and was banned from all the bars within walking distance of his apartment. You know the guy, right? I’m sure Tai’s til 4 is getting his Jersey framed right now