Q + A:
With established Neifi-ologist Burlam Gunter
Does Neifi use steroids?
No Neifi does NOT use steroids, Neifi is pure, neifi is honorable, and neifi doesn’t want an unfair advantage because he grew up in the Dominican Republic so he was probably poor and ate dirt sandwiches and had to learn to get by on pure grit and determination so steroids are not consistent with Neifi or his work ethic in any way past, present or future. Neifi wouldn’t even use steroids if they were safe and legal because Neifi is the one and only true human being on this planet and we should respect that. (Neifi is so anti-steroid that he wouldn’t even use steroids if somehow his use of steroids cured aids, luekimia and obesity in 6 weeks... worldwide.)
Which came first, the Neifi or the egg? (ie. Did chickens teach Neifi how to run, or was it Neifi who taught the chickens how to run?)
Neifi came first, but Neifi doesn’t go around teaching every chickadee how to run. That’s silly. There is a training video he has distributed for free, plus postage.
Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf?
Certainly not Neifi. Neifi would show that tramp what it means to be loved by a man.
If Neifi were to climb a mountain that didn’t even exist (Mount Fakey-manjaro) does that mean Neifi does not exist himself?
No. Neifi can climb any mountain real or imaginary but he would exist no matter what because if he didn’t exist that would mean that Neifi didn’t hit a walk off home run in the last game of the 1998 season for the Colorado Rockies to beat the San Francisco Giants and force a one game playoff at Wrigely Field to decide the wild card winner and eventual playoff punching doll for the Atlanta Braves. And that very much did happen, (and Brant Brown still owes him a steak dinner.)
Where did Neifi grow up?
Interesting story actually, most publications claim that Neifi was born in Dominican Republic (including this one) but this story is dubious because the Dominican Republic did not, in fact, exist until shortly after Neifi was born. What did happen was that Neifi was born in Haiti then cast into the Ocean in a floating reed basket. Infant Neifi instantly and force a one game playoff at Wrigely Field to decide the wild card winner and assessed the situation and determined that for him to hit that home run against the giants in 1998 he would need to start playing baseball and for this he would need a baseball field with dirt. So what Neifi did, which was so ingenious, is he built himself an island which was later named the Dominican Republic. Isn’t that amazing (for a baby)!
But the Dominican Republic is only half and island, the other half being Haiti. How do you explain that?
Erosion…. No wait, the opposite of erosion, whatever that is.
If Neifi were to lose his left arm in a chainsaw fight, would that effect his baseball playing abilities in any way?
Neifi, like every baseball player (even Jim Abbot) has built his game around the coordinated use of BOTH arms. So yes, I do believe this would affect his baseball playing to some degree. However, Neifi is more than just the sum of his limbs and appendages, he is a primordial force who loves to play baseball so he would probably manufacture a bionic arm with microchips and use that OR methodically level the playing field by cutting an arm off all the other baseball players world wide. Either way Neifi has a guaranteed 2 year contract with the cubs so even a one-armed Neifi is still sitting pretty.
When Neifi dies is he going to donate his body to science so we can learn more about this incredible physical specimen?
No, Neifi doesn’t think science is prepared for the meta-physical mystery’s that exist within him. Neifi believes the best way to help mankind is by playing baseball until he dies and then he will dig a hole in the ground and keep on digging until he reaches the center of the earth and send messages to the surface through a heat resistant pneumatic tube, and then he will die for real.
If the Germans had created a fighting army of 100 Neifi Perez's would they have been able to repel the D-Day invasion on June 6th 1944 and turn the tide of WWII?
Little known fact, Hitler actually had a Neifi army project in the works during the winter of 1944 but he insisted the Neifi’s dye their hair blonde (for Aryan reasons) and the sight of dozens of blonde haired Neifi’s freaked all the Germans out so much that they decided to lose the war.
Is Neifi ticklish?
Yes, he is. But his laugh is so rich, deep and transcendent that upon hearing it you and anyone else in audible range will instantly start laughing as well. So in a way, when you tickle neifi you are tickling yourself and that means that Neifi is not really ticklish but it is you that are ticklish even if you didn’t realize it.