Steve Stone: Neifi, I am an English Soccer Player who knows next to nothing about Baseball. Nontheless, it is a pleasure to be able to catch up with you in this busy offseason. How have you been keeping busy?
Neifi Perez: Neifi standing up a lot, last few months Neifi standing on feet a lot. Neifi gonna sit down one of these days, that'll be good.
Stoney: We have provided a chair for you if you would like to sit.
NP: Not time yet, Neifi choose to stand.
Stoney: You're a middle infielder, the Cubs have a very deep group of middle infielders going into camp this year with Ronny Cedeno, Jerry Hairston, Todd Walker and yourself vying for playing time. Where do you feel you fit into this 2006 Cubs Ballclub
NP: Neifi just play baseball man, no problems with nobody. Ronny gonna be a good player someday, just not gonna get much playing time while Neifi here. Maybe Ronny learn how to pitch middle relief. Whatever man, Neifi gonna play.
Stoney: Woooaah! Ronny, consider yourself pre-emptively E-neifed! It'll be interesting to see how this plays out this season. Next question..... Who was the American League Cy Young award winner in 1980?
NP: .....(Befuddled)
Stoney: Yeah, thats right! Stevey "mf" Stone, 3.23 ERA! Unstoppable, except for those 7 losses, that still burns. I could have done better. Moving along,
Stoney: A Lot has been made about this being the last year on Dusty Bakers contract, do you feel that is going to affect the dynamic of the team diferently than the last couple of years?
NP: Dussy a good guy. He use to be good player, he could grab bat and hit ball, but Dussy no hit ball no more. We hit ball, we field ball, Dussy chew toothpick. All the time, Dussy this, Dussy that, Dussy toothpick not making errors.... Neifi hungry, could go for some chivo now.
Stoney: So I see, you think Dusty Baker is a good guy, moderately incompetent manager and you would like to eat some goat.
NP: Yeah, goat. Neifi hungry.
Stoney: Lets say you had to choose between giving a million people the Ebola virus and kicking Kent Merker in the teeth, what would you choose?
NP: Ebola bad stuff man, Neifi gonna kick Kent in the teeth every time.
Stoney: Yeah, me too! And I don't even know what Ebola virus is!
NP: Ok, interview over.