Tortured Fan Base

TFB has conducted a scientific study of Cubs fans and they agree by a 3-to-1 margin that 'Izzy' will be Cesar's nickname as a Cub. Please do your best to help spread the word on 'Izzy' whenever possible.

Cesar is our only hope to keep Ronny "Rubber Arm" Cedeno on the bench this year now that Neifi has left for green pastures. Guess who has a Gold Glove on his shelf at home? Guess who better be fully recovered from his pesky injuries or we will have to watch Ronny try to injure Derrek Lee again (Ronny- we haven't forgotten)?

Cesar - I feel the spirit of 19th century Venezuelian rebel Simon Bolivar filling you with great power.

Top Five Michael Barrett Highlights of 2006:

5. Never once catching any single object that Greg Maddux threw all year. We heard it was a terrible prank that Mad Dog pulled where he would pretend like he was throwing Barrett the ball but he would pull it back on some string before it got there. Our inside source tells us Greg would pull the string trick on Barrett at dinner with condiments and when waiting at airports with snacks. Michael always laughed along with everyone else but deep down he felt like Maddux never truly appreciated Michael Barrett.

4. Hitting .307

3. Intrascrotal Hematoma. I had absolutely no idea where they came up with this "medical term", was completely terrified to even look it up and now I am incredibly sorry I did. Currently I am unable to leave my home without wearing a cup. I liked it much better when I thought it was an infectious disease he picked up while punching AJ Pierzynski. The grunts here at TFB discovered that "Intrascrotal Hematoma" is the perfect excuse to get a month or more off work. After a short intro and optional slide show it is guaranteed that your supervisor will never ask you another health question ever again.

2. Non-Apology to AJ Pierzynski When pressed by reporters, Barrett said "It is never justified to hit another player -- well unless that player just doesn't know when to shut the hell up."

1. Punching AJ Pierzynski (we were just going to have this as his "Top One" Moment, then decided to do a "Top Ten".... but "Top Five" was just more realistic).

Lets make this clear. TFB likes Jacque Jones. It should not matter that a few drunk idiots in the Bleachers who couldn't even spell Jacque's name got upset with the guy. It was a tough year all around for everyone and somehow it was Jacque's fault that he couldn't throw the ball. Well, throwing is not nearly as important to an outfielder as catching and hitting and Jacque does those things just fine thanks. I mean something like once a week we will expect Jacque to dent the outfield grass with one of his tosses and if this year (after his arm replacement surgery) it makes it to the cutoff man without skipping then we will rejoice.

Cliff Floyd is an outfielder who hits for low average, strikes out a lot, is getting on in years and probably thinks it’s going to be nice to come home to Chicago to play ball. Somebody should get LaTroy Hawkins and Jacque Jones to have a sit down with him. On the plus side, his real name is Cornelius, which I like.

TFB had no idea what Rocky looks like but I can tell you right now the Rocky Cherry ice cream jokes are already starting to get old and we just found out this guy existed. Our initial guess is that Rocky was black and I’m kind of scared to say that because I’m afraid it reveals the fact that I think black people have some of the most outlandish names.

Imagine how wrong and yet giddy we felt when we found out that Rocky actually looks like this: