Tortured Fan Base

This just in: Alfonso has been listed as day-to-day with an unknown strain he received chasing down a shallow pop-up. The Cubs trainers have informed us that Soriano will pitch a simulated game this Friday and they hope he can work his arm strength back up before his next start.

Update: Felix 'The Future' Pie got the call up yesterday when Soriano pulled a hamstring and he responded by having a great game at the plate and in the field... talk about some silver lining in that- oh wait- the Cubs still lost that game to the Padres in extra innings.

A 2007 Cubs April in Haiku:

Batter Interfered.
Home losses and rising stars
with base over slid.
argh

Our star crossed April shows promise in the name of Felix, Theriot, Lilly, and Hill yet reminds us of our frailty with Blanco, Cedeno, and our record in 1 run games (now being reported in the standings as 1RG for no other reason than to taunt our tortured fan base.

As I write this, our May record and seemingly our fate for the rest of the season hinges on whether the Cubs can hold their slim lead against the Pirates in the bottom of the seventh.
This only further proves the existence of our fickle baseball gods and their cruel indifference to our fate.

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There is probably not a bigger Neifi Perez fan in this world (Mr. and Mrs. Perez included) than myself.

Neifi was always a fantastic and graceful fielder, for a position player with a career average below .270, this was something of a necessity. But when he first came over to the Cubs at the end of the 2004 season and the beginning of 2005 Neifi was a hitting machine. He would consistently slash doubles down the line, bloop singles in front of outfielders, bunt his way on and slap high bouncing grounders to the shortstop for infield singles. Over that astounding four month stretch he must have hit somewhere in the neighborhood of .330 and even made a little write in noise for the 2005 all star game. This was a remarkable achievement for a player who had no discernible hitting skill. It was like watching a submarine fly, or a hippo dance, everything you ever learned in life tells you that this should absolutely not be happening. But it does happen, repeatedly, and the whole experience is magical.

About the middle of June 2005 Neifi’s magic wore off and everybody slowly started to turn on him. By the time he was traded to the Tigers the following year every Cubs’ fan with vocal cords or internet access (sometimes both) was screaming/typing bloody murder for Dusty Baker to stop playing Neifi. Every Cubs’ fan but one.

I stuck by my Neifi. I even started a web site devoted to Neifi. There was something about his slick fielding, colossal failures at the plate, unusual first name and the giddy exuberance with which he played the game of baseball.

Then it turns out that his giddy exuberance was most likely the result of a steady and voracious diet of amphetamines. This is hard for me to deal with.

My initial thought was that it was a set up, that the Tiger club house was closely aligned with Omar Infante and any other utility infielders he beat out for a roster spot this spring. We’ll find out slowly enough, with baseball’s lengthy appeal process, but it seems most probable that his signature hyperactivity was mostly the result of shoveling zip loc bags full of greenies into his system.

Neifi gets a 25 game suspension from baseball, I get to ponder over a few questions:

a. If I liked Neifi while he was so pepped up on amphetamines, does that mean that I really like amphetamines and not Neifi?
b. Would I start a web site in devotion to an illicit drug?
c. Did I ever really even know Neifi?
d. Was there something I could have done to prevent this?
e. Do I continue to root for Neifi

Answer key:

a. Possibly
b. Probably not
c. No
d. No
e. Hmmmm?

I’m having fits over that last question. I don’t have an enormous computer sitting in my living room that has flashing lights (think George Michaels Sports Machine), whistles and an extensive database of all the relative merits and demerits of every baseball player and runs them through complicated mathematical models to spit out a piece of paper with my favorite player printed on it
(complete with electronic computing sounds and steam venting violently through an ad hoc pipe attached to the top).

I have to make these calculations myself!

Neifi’s best attribute was the joy factor I got from watching him hop around the field at 100 mph and the reliably pathetic but sometimes brilliant performances he put on at the plate. The Neifi experience is going to change come August 4th when he makes his triumphant return. I imagine him slowly trudging around the dugout listless and strung out with a lifeless expression on his face. Ghost like and confused, he’ll boot routine ground balls, fall asleep at the plate and generally continue his unique take on being a major league baseball player but in a manner diametrically opposed to his previous (chemically altered) nature.

Personally, I welcome the new Neifi, this could possibly be the sort of career reinvention that keeps perpetual celebrities fresh and new in our constantly changing pop culture. Neifi is like (/will be like) the Madonna of MLB.

I can live with this, and it still beats cheering for Barry Bonds.

Neifi Neftali Perez will not be making a triumphant return this season, not to baseball anyway. Neifi is a junkie; he couldn’t even stay off the greenies for a few months to secure the rest of his guaranteed contract. That’s a good chunk of drug money for the off season. That means Neifi is not only an addict but a dumb one. Even Lawrence Taylor was able to temper his appetite for narcotics until his career ended.

Still, the good times of seasons past cannot be taken away from me. In honor of the presumed end of Neifi’s career we’re giving second life to my old Neifi-net web site, enjoy!

Ladies and gentlemen we finally have the legendary Fukudome (Foo-koo-doe-may) under contract to play Right Field according to ESPN last night and the Cubs made it official this morning!

There are good things being said:

• "Plays like Ichiro in the field"


• "On-Base-Machine"


• "Power to the Gaps"


• "Best Japanese player in Japan"

And some unfounded rumors:

• Had surgery


• Eats raw fish


• Last name is Emodukuf spelled backwards


• Is really a Japanese guy (?!)

TFB thinks this move will really help the club, we scored an exclusive interview with Lou Pinella to hear his thoughts:

TFB: Hi Lou!
Lou: What the F*ck do you want at 4am?
TFB: It's 2 in the afternoon Lou.
Lou: (mumbling...) Look lets not gloom and doom this thing guys...
TFB: It's over Lou, the playoffs are over, we are calling about Fukudome.
Lou: Hey listen- I don't need this crap- good bye!
TFB: No! Don't hang up.. He is the new addition to the Cubby line-up from Japan.
Lou: (mumbling...) I really thought we needed Carlos for game 4.
TFB: Lou- it's OK, forget the 2007 NLDS. We want to know about the Japanese guy Hendry has been writing love letters to- he used to play for the Chunichi Dragons over there.
Lou: (suddenly alert) Now that you mention it I am pretty hungry.
TFB: Thanks for the chat Lou! See you at Spring Training.
Lou: What about that Chunichi I ordered? Let me have some Won-Tons and maybe some fried rice with that.

Congrats to Goose Gossage on his induction. The Goose's only year worth discussing is actually 1988. The Goose was part of a Cubs team on the brink; or rather between NL East Championships in 1984 and 1989.

It was the first season I can vividly remember every Cubs player on the roster (well OK, Rick Wrona rings a bell but I can't quite picture him), It was the the debut of the Dunston-to-Sandburg-to-Grace combo, Berryhill took over for Jody Davis, Greg Maddux and Jamie Moyer suddenly broke out, Sutcliffe pitched 12 Complete Games but only won 13. It was the year of Vance Law, Popeye came to town, Raffi was still clean and most importantly: the Hawk settled in to roam the right field grass after his MVP year.

The Goose was mostly a bust in 1988, but we won't dwell on it.

Now that we are finally leaving the Steroid Era, I can look back at these memories with more appreciation for the Hawk. It looks like he is steadily gaining enough votes to make it into the HOF, thanks in part to the ridiculous excesses of Sammy, Barry, and McGuire his accomplishments and career can now be properly recognized.

Grace Image via MarkGrace.com

In honor of the Crosstown Classic Sweep TFB has created the limited edition Series Sweepin Zone Shirts:

Buy these shirts here while supplies last!

Cubs vs Astros
Wrigley Field
8/4/08

Mother nature takes over Wrigley for 70's night.

Wrigley Storm Part 2

See the entire set of Wrigley Storm Videos here.