Tortured Fan Base

Theriot has played his way onto our 2007 Frenchie Cubs Roster along with Pie, Marquis, Fontenot, and Jacque. Ryan "You can't stop" The Riot is some sort of a hitting and running machine given to us by the oh-so fickle Baseball Gods (more on the Fickle Gods and how we can appease them in another article). Ryan is known for chugging a 2-Liter of Orange Fanta infused with 4 cans of Red Bull before each game. Legend speaks of this elixer empowering Ryan with super slow-mo bullet time vision at the plate and a wicked neon orange stream for the post game shower drain.

No one is really sure how/why Ronny Cedeno beat out fan favorite Neifi Perez for the SS position in 2006. We know for a fact that Ronny strikes out a bunch, runs rarely, throws like a ballerina, and doesn't get walks. The only thing he has going for him is he did not have as much hype as Corey "going elsewhere to bat at the bottom of the order like I should " Patterson.

Alfonso is an under rated name, it's fun to say, easy to pronounce, slightly cartoonish, vaguely ethnic. His name alone would have been worth $9-12 mill over 8 years, plus we had Alfonso inspected by our staff of TFB geneticists and it turns out he has the Julio Franco gene so he stands to be a young 39 when his contract with the cubs is up in 2015.

Aramis Ramirez is oft-considered the sensitive intellecual of the Cubs. He is known to lead some very well attended pre-game poetry readings as well as encourage other team members to 'talk it out'. Aramis once had to play baseball in the bizzare timewarp of the Pittsburgh Pirates where they supposedly dumped him on the Cubs because his defense wasn't up to snuff. The real reason you ask? Well - Aramis's pre-game readings got a bit too emotional at one point and the team found their introspective center which prevented them from fully running out groundballs. Thanks for asking.

Murton chops, an insatiable appetite for string beans, and a developing power swing are what we all look for when Matt Murton steps up to the plate. TFB knows that a certain enterprising vendor around Wrigley has already cornered the market on fake red applique chops just waiting for the moment that Murton breaks out. Reseve your order now - supplies are limited.

Felix insists on pronouncing his last name Pee-Aye as if that somehow sounds better than Pie. This inevitability over-hyped prospect now has supplanted Alfonso Soriano in CF. Felix gets big points for having a cool first name and an unusual pronunciation for a last name you thought you already knew how to say.
As a fan you can't help but get a little excited when you see Felix chase down a tough liner into the gap for an out. As a Cub's fan you are probably a little reluctant to expose your real feelings due to the whole Corey Patterson/Jerome Walton thing. He is not like those other guys, we encourage you to just go out there and try it one more time... give Felix a chance.
Fearless-Felix looks like he will be bringing some of that Dawson-like ferocity to the Wrigley outfield for some time after he basically willed himself up from AAA and into the starting lineup when Soriano pulled a hamstring.

Jason Marquis comes to the Cubs from the festering baseball pit known as Saint Louis. Jason is a crafty pitcher who can add a little bit of peppa when he needs to. Known for having a serious Scrabble affliction, Jason can be seen mumbling all the 2 letter words in the dictionary while warming up for a start.

Fun Fact:

• In an exclusive interview with TFB, Jason explained that Tony LaRussa normally prefers Boggle but on occasion would accept Jason's ongoing Scrabble challenge. Jason is 28-0-1 lifetime vs LaRussa in Scrabble.

Derek Lee doesn’t want anyone to know this, but he really really really hates Albert Pujols. He pretends to be nice to him and says "Hi" but it’s all a show because he loathes Albert Pujols. Every day before breakfast he throws sharpened knives at a cardboard cutout of Pujols and this winter he learned violent Karate just in case, just in case.

Teddy has already lived up to his contract by providing Cubs fans everywhere with that precious commodity known as 'Hope'. He is left handed, throws a wicked breaking ball and has not really shown enough personality to completely finish this bio yet. Nevertheless TFB has dug deep into the Ted Lilly archives to bring you these important facts:

• Ted is actually an acronym for Terrifically Extraneous Dorsal- for some reason TEDs parents were sort of into obscure words, human orgins, and secret meanings.
  
• Ted once played baseball in Canada
  
• Ted is by far the teams best thumb wrestler (no tag teams- if there are tag teams then Bobby Howry has a lock)
  

A golden boy prospect whose career has been something of a Greek tragedy just waiting for that perfect ending. Kerry Wood is going to have a great season and then on the eve of the first World Series game held at Wrigley since 1945, he’ll get into a heated argument with Carlos Zambrano over who is a better hitter. Which leads the Z man to grab a bat and settle this right here and now in the Cubs clubhouse. Kerry ends up throwing a 300mph fastball that melts the steel support beams for the stadium (all of them) and Wrigley collapses as the North side of the city screams as one, “Noooooooooooo!”

Bet You Didn’t Know:

• Surprisingly good at 3-d jigsaw puzzles
  
• doctor like knowledge of reconstructive elbow surgery,
  
• like the rest of us - is embarrassed to have had a crush on Blossom back in 1992
  

Bet You Did Know:

• Carlos is completely insane
  
• Carlos believes in God
  
• If for any reason Carlos is chasing after your car with that excitable look on his face, do not stop, do not get out of the car, do not attempt to talk things over with him as reasonable adults would do to work out their differences. Zambrano needs to be loved like your neighbors pit bull, from a safe distance.

Cubs Manager/Savior.
Hendry follows Kenny Williams lead and hires the craziest coach available. Apparently Piniella has some Hispanic blood line so the Ozzie-Lou parallel is deeper than you might have thought. So I guess this means we will win the series in 2008 but, really, I just don’t want to wait that long. I hope they can bump it up to this October. It's going to be especially good for Zambrano to have a Crazy mentor, he can learn some new techniques for getting kicked out of games and they can share mood stabilizers.

Bet you didn’t know:

• Lou hates wallpaper, he gets livid if he so much as smells glue.
  
• Lou hates sandpaper, he gets livid if he so much as goes to the beach a book
  
• Lou hates small dogs, he will kick the crap out of your little wussy dog. You’re with your toy dog, you see Lou walking your way, you cross the street….. or your dog gets kicked.
  
• Lou really likes opera, something about those big ladies shouting really calms him down

He’s tall and left handed, Cubs version of Randy Johnson.. anybody?

The cubs web site title his 2006 highlights as

• Marshall's first homer
  
• Marshall's quality start
  
• Marshall fans six
  
• Marshall's six Ks
  
• Marshall's strong outing
  

TFB thinks "quality start" was the best!

Blanco was found in the Amazon Rain Forest terrorizing villagers with his electrifying play behind the plate. Between his ability to turn himself into a spinning-human-ball-like projectile as well as his amazing skill to conduct electricity, Blanco has formed an impressive legion of fans.

So far in 2007 Blanco has provided the most intrigue as he has been subpoenaed to testify against a USAF colonel known only as Guile. For some reason instead of an actual trial the contestants have agreed in Peoples Court style to just have an old fashioned fight to the death. TFB is working diligently to obtain the transcripts from the court decision.

Blanco's impending absence also elicited a great quote from Sweet Lou where he refers to new back-up catcher in reserve Matt Murton as 'that beautiful red-hed' - strange but true.

The other half of the Cajun duo, Fontenot and Theriot share platters of shrimp before games and a boat house on the Calumet river. They’re buds!

Other notable facts:

• Would love to live in a world where he could be listed at his true height without being subjected to further jokes about Lord of The Rings, Hobbit, Willow, etc. He’s a little guy, it’s not his fault and he can play baseball a hell of lot better than you!


• Would love to give that Rudy guy from the Notre Dame movie a backwater whupping


• Spent the entire all star break talking about fishing, he literally didn’t sleep or eat, just talked about fishing! Felt a little silly when he mentioned his feat to Lou Piniella after the break and Lou asked him why he never actually went fishing.

Possible tension in the clubhouse-
Mike Fontenot wears number 17. This is notable not just for the fact that Mark Grace donned the number during his days on the North side but the fact that Felix Pie wore #17 on his back (and front while wearing the road grey's) then oddly switched to #20 before he was sent back to Iowa. (Not sure if Eric Patterson put him up to wearing his elder brothers old number. A number that is so stained it shouldn’t be retired but eviscerated. Not just from Cubs jersey's past, present and future but from the Hindu-Arabic number system.) So what gives?

The man throws some wicked pitches and has been something of a savior out of the bullpen but is supposedly causing Zambrano some real confusion.

Wrigley Field Clubhouse-
(Carlos Z walks up to Carlos M who is standing next to his locker picking lint off his game jersey)

Z: I’m Carlos! (defiant)
Z: You Carlos? (soft spoken, questioning-ly)
M: (Silence mixed with slightly audible trepidation)
Z: (Silent, looking at Marmol with the curious intent of a dangerous mammal considering his reflection in a mirror)
Z: I’m Carlos! (screaming, hands at his side, face in a mad red rage)
Z: Carlos skinny (soft spoken again)
Z: Carlos must eat (lurks off towards the food tray)
M: (Still silent, storm has pasted, visibly befuddled)
Piniella (watching from a folding chair a dozen feet away): He Carlos! (walks after Z towards the food tray)

Has anybody brought up the possibility of a name change with Eric? He’s probably somewhat attached to his name and would like to redeem the family name by proving a Patterson can record an at bat without swinging at every fastball over his head but it’s difficult enough breaking into the bigs without having to overcome the substantial failings of his older sibling.

Lets be the first to start the “Rename Eric” contest,

• Eric Ruth
• Eric Davis
• Eric Gunderflap
• Eric Van Peebles
• Eric Ericson
• Eric Tart
• Eric Bull
• Eric Bonhopper
• Eric Jeeves
• Eric the Legacy

Never seen the guy pitch but he’s got the name of some south side guy who drinks like most people breathe and doesn’t consider it a good night out unless he got into multiple fights and was banned from all the bars within walking distance of his apartment. You know the guy, right? I’m sure Tai’s til 4 is getting his Jersey framed right now

The life of James Patrick “Jim” Edmonds as a time line with special reference to the Cub-Card thing.

June 27, 1970 Jimmy James Patrick Edwards is born
June 27, 1970 Infant Jimmy James is loved and adored by all
July 14, 1974 Four year old Jimmy James’ brain develops to the point he can retain memories and conscious thought
July 15, 1974 Jimmy James thinks very highly of himself
June 22, 1978 Jimmy James excels in his little league baseball games
June 23, 1978 Jimmy James’ opinion of himself swells to staggering levels
April 12, 1981 6th grade Jimmy James asks an 8th grader at his elementary school to high school prom unconcerned with the fact that one of them should at least be attending high school for this request to be taken seriously
April 12, 1981 6th grad Jim Edmonds is very sure of himself
April 12, 1981 Stacy, the 8th grade girl in question is bewildered and frightened by 6th grade Jimmy and his cocksure aggressiveness, smiles tentatively, presses her trapper keeper against her chest and walks swiftly to the safety of her table of squawking girl friends
April 12, 1981 6th grade Jimmy James briefly doubts himself
April 12, 1981 Jimmy starts a rumor that 8th grade Stacy is a “full on Lesbian!”
April 12, 1981 The rumor spreads successfully
April 13, 1981 Jimmy is vindicated
June 1998 Jimmy James continues to excel at baseball and gets drafted by the California Angels
July 5, 1998 Jimmy James Edwards asks everyone to stop calling him Jimmy because he is a g’damm grown man, a professional ball player and quite the catch, not that he would let any one girl ‘catch’ him for than a one night
March 27, 2000 Jim Edmonds gets traded to the St Louis Cardinals
2000 – 2007 Jim has a successful 8 year stint with the Cards and Tony La Russa who becomes ‘like a Father’ to him
December 15, 2007 Jim Edmonds is traded to the San Diego Padres and away from his ‘like a Father,’ Tony La Russa
March 1, 2008 Jim changes his batting stance to compensate for some injuries and his advancing age
March 2, 2008 Jim still thinks very highly of himself
Spring 2008 Without his ‘like a Father’ figure he is lost and out of place. His hitting suffers. Jim still thinks very highly of himself and you can be sure he’s still a hit with the ladies. But a little of that doubt from 6th grade resurfaces
May 9, 2008 Jim is released from the Padres and gets placed on waivers
May 14, 2008 The Cubs sign Jim Edmonds, hoping he has a little magic still left in that left handed bat

May 15, 2008 Jim fins a new ‘like a Father’ figure in sweet Lou Piniella
May 15, 2008 Lou asks him why the hell he doesn’t use the batting stance he used when he was a cardinal and hitting the ball all over the damn place. Huh? What was wrong with that batting stance?
May 16, 2008 Jim wants to please his new ‘like a Father’ very much so he decides to change his batting stance
May 16, 2008 Jim feels whole again
June, 2008 Jim starts hitting the ball all over the damn place
June, 2008 Jim is constantly being badgered by the Chicago media force regarding his status as a true Cub vs. a true Cardinal
July 4, 2008 This badgering comes to a tumult as the cubs travel to St Louis for his first return to that town on the Mississippi
July 4, 2008 Jim feels safe in the capable hands of his new ‘like a Father’ figure Lou and has been having a blast plying the more impressive waters of the Cubs female fan base, so he tells the media hordes before a nationally televised game that “he was a Cardinal, but now he is a Cub, so lets all just move on.”
July 4, 2008 This statement makes Tony La Russa cry
July 5, 2008 A visibly hurt and watery eyed Tony responds by saying “you are dead to me Jim,’ but not in the pointedly angry yet cool manner of Michael Corleone and more like whiney brat who didn’t want to see his former ‘like a son’ succeed for a division rival.
July 5, 2008 Jim responds by starting a rumor that Tony La Russa is a ‘full on Lesbian’
July 6, 2008 This rumor goes nowhere
July 7, 2008 Jim still feels vindicated

[And this exchange (most importantly making Tony La Russa cry) puts him as close to being a true Cub as any player who helped bring a championship ring to the dim witted masses of St Louis could ever be.]